Tuesday, April 26, 2016

When I die



When I die, you might as well cremate me seeing that I’m already going to Hell.






… ahh, all alone. The wind tears a leaf from the Oak and it flutters across the yard, like a Monarch butterfly and the leaf falls back into the earth, from which it came. (2010)
 

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Vangie



So my sister texted me last night: “I just found Vangie on Facebook.” Of course that’s a name from the past all right. Vangie from South Berwick Maine. My sister then sent me a screen shot picture of her with her two sisters. She looked good, they all did. Of course it sent me deep into my memory of South Berwick— Grammy’s house, the hammocks, the field, the bridge. They lived just down the road from Grammy’s house. I remember the first time I ever saw them, slowly walking up the road, passing the house, they started calling me names and I started calling them names but I was no match for the Wheeler girls. True. That’s how we met. Name calling insults. I was 10 or 12. 

In the ensuing years, I developed a huge crush… or was it puppy love, I don’t know, on Vangie. We dated for a little bit. It was awkward. I was awkward. She was so beautiful. But a spitfire too. A troublemaker. I loved that. We got older. Once me and Gary Trull had taken a bus to stay at Gram’s house for the weekend. This was probably 1984. We drank and smoked weed with Vangie most of the time, sneaking out at night. She was in her best flirt mode, seemingly connecting with Gary quite a bit, making me very jealous.  This was the last time I saw her in South Berwick.

Then in 1988 she got in touch with me. I forget how. But she was living in a trailer— or a small house, I forget that specific as well— living with her new baby, boyfriend and his brother. She invited me for a visit. So me and Slabs (Dave Babineau) took a drive. It was October. I remember the boyfriend being a little standoffish at first but as the beers were drunk he began to see me as friend rather than an enemy and we got along well— we all did. They loved Slabs and his racist humor. As it got late and everyone passed out, me and Vangie decided to thumb to Boston. We walked down the dark road, waiting for any vehicle. We were drunk. It was cold. After about an hour we called it a night and walked back to her place. That was it, the last time.

In 1992, when I was on the road in the US, I had heard she was a stripper in Las Vegas. I tried to find her. I went to a few strip clubs looking for her. I tried looking her up in the phone directory and calling her but… I never got in touch with her again. It’s funny. I based one of my characters in Fat Habits on her. So now of course, leave it to good old Facebook. I don’t know. Maybe, when I go back on Facebook I’ll look her up. Talk about how our lives have turned out, our adventures. Or maybe not. Prior to social media the past remained the past and usually for good reason. Enter MySpace and Facebook: and the past came hurtling through time like a drunken guest, flip flopping into the present. Anyway, time will tell.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Gone chapter 5



The holiday season in High Park was a warm mixture of inflatable snowmen and classic Rockwellian Christmas trees lit with hot colored bulbs. In the town square, the old church bell rang with clarity and purpose, annunciating the daily passage of time. Over the streets, sparkly tinsel streamers hung from poles, some with white lights while others shimmered in the wind. An early morning surprise snowfall had accumulated five inches along sidewalks. Inside front windows decorations were hung with Rudolph, Santa Claus pictures and general Christmas greetings. Snowplows had pushed the snow into piles throughout the high school parking lot. Alec drove through the familiar streets of High Park; he held the wheel with one hand, casually steering with his wrist. Beside him, Taylor studied the passing houses. They listened to the comforting voice of Nat King Cole, coming over the radio.

 They turned right on to Baker Street, where on the corner, stood a faded billboard, facing the abandoned Old Colony railroad tracks. The billboard displayed a picture of a roller coaster. The faded words read: come ride the world’s largest roller coaster. A picture of a family— a father, mother and three children— two boys with 70’s mop haircuts, tan slacks and red sweaters; the third, a girl with long ponytails, a checkered dress and plain white shoes. The roller coaster loomed behind them where the background sky was yellowed, peeling and white in spots.

“The National Park Service would be a cool. It doesn’t pay much but really, I’d hike Bryce Canyon for free,” Alec said.

“I wouldn’t tell dad just yet,” said Taylor.

Twenty-eight years old, Taylor worked in downtown Boston as a successful executive at Suffolk Investment. Though proud of his older brother, Alec harbored zero ambition for the financial world. For him, photography pointed the way toward his future happiness.

“Why does he want me to be like you? He already has you,” Alec said.

His father always questioned Alec’s career choices.
Taylor smiled. “You know how he is. He thinks in terms of quantity.”

Alec shook his head. He gazed into the rear view mirror. He didn’t look anything like Taylor. Almond hair curled just above his gray eyes and thin eyebrows. Alec looked more like a resident beach bum more than anyone else.

 “He just doesn’t understand. He’s always been about the bottom line. Don’t take it personally,” said Taylor.

Alec turned the silver Corona into the driveway and parked.

“He let this place go,” said Taylor.

“The only way to get anything done around here is if you bind and gag him.”

The house had been neglected for years. Now it just sat there waiting to be condemned. The red paint on the shingle siding was all but flaked away now, the locked yellowed windows were cracked and duct taped, the sunken dormer appeared to be leaning forward as if about to fall on an unsuspecting mailman, and the warped condenser unit beside the driveway. At the front door hung an old wood plaque, engraved with the words, Whisper Trees. It had been there forever, since he was a kid. Alec straightened it as they entered the house.

Mr. Walker sat slumped in the clumpy violet recliner and watched the football game on the old Magnavox TV.

“Well look what the wind blew in,” said Mr. Walker.

 “It’s only Christmas season, dad,” said Alec.”

His bare feet rested on the futon. A lit cigarette burned in the ashtray beside a glass of Scotch. Taylor snagged the remote and turned the TV volume down. He sat on the springy couch.

“Who’s winning?” asked Alec.

“Not us. Refs are killing us.”

The spicy aroma of microwave pizza wafted through the living room and lingered in the stuffy mausoleum-like air. There were no holiday decorations or lights, not even a small Christmas tree. A barrenness had set in— small dusty webs in corners and tiles popping off the kitchen and bathroom floors. It saddened him. Time had sucked the vibrancy from his father who was only a shell of his former self.

“You boys hungry?  I made pizza.”

Alec stood by the knick-knack shelf and gazed at the framed Polaroid of his smiling mother— the only picture of her in the house. Cousin Mickey had once commented on how the slope of Alec’s nose resembled his mothers. 

“No thanks,” said Alec.

“Well, help yourself anyway. It’s still hot.”

Mr. Walker had short messy gray hair and wore glasses. He picked up his cigarette with long yellow fingers.

“How goes the fashion world?” Mr. Walker asked.

Alec had graduated from New England College of Photography that year in the spring of 1997. He had built a dark room in his father’s basement where he spent countless hours mixing chemicals, burning and dodging images, experimenting with various filters, wasting page after page of photo paper, drying negatives and prints until all hours. He disliked fashion photography and working with color or Ansel Adams type landscapes. To him, black and white gave his work a naked quality, an honesty color failed to capture. He preferred abstract blurry images that whirred across the paper like a storm as opposed to robotic stills, portraits or fashion. Someday, he wanted to freelance for the Associated Press— a stepping-stone to his ultimate goal, the Pulitzer Prize. He would take on industry— the Wal-Mart’s of the world and make a difference, teach society how to protect their forests, ranges and wetlands; preserve their beauty, integrity and remote frontiers. He loved the solitude of the wild.

“I don’t do fashion, dad.”

“Isn’t that all the fame and glory?”

“He wants to be a photojournalist, dad. A gun for hire. I can’t say I blame him though. I’d be bored stiff shooting hot models all day,” said Taylor, smirking.

“So then when are you going into the field?”

Alec knew his dad was busting his balls and that he worked two part time jobs— a gas station attendant and a wedding photographer’s assistant and neither paid well.  

“Some day I’ll be in the Middle East changing the world with my photos.”
“You’ll just get killed over there,” said Mr. Walker.
“Are you kidding? This kid will outlast us all,” said Taylor.
He punched Alec lightly on the arm and smiled.
“Where’s Cassie?” he asked.
“Working, as usual.”
“She shouldn’t work so hard. She’s too brittle,” said Mr. Walker.
“It’s her life.”
“Ok. Switching gears here a minute. I got some news,” Taylor said.
On the TV, the Patriots scored a touchdown.
“About time, Bledsoe,” Mr. Walker yelled at the TV.
“I’m going back to school.”
Alec turned to him, incredulous. “What?”
“I’m going back to school.”
Alec stared at him, confused, the words not registering.
“Isn’t that a bit extreme?”
“Nothing’s extreme if you can do it.”
Alec shrugged.
“You’re just going to drop everything and go back to school?”
“It’s not like I’m dropping out of society. I’m bored with business. Any monkey in the financial game can turn a buck. I want to make a difference and help people,” Taylor said.
“How?”
“Who knows? Maybe… someday I’ll run for Governor.”
Alec shook his head.
“When are you leaving?”
“Soon.”
Mr. Walker turned away from the TV. He looked up toward Taylor, smiling with yellowed teeth.
“My son, Governor of Massachusetts. Has a nice ring to it. Governor Taylor Walker.”

Friday, April 15, 2016

Bout fucking time. Let's get this thang.






On Friday, April 15, 2016, 4:58 PM, support@psionline.com <support@psionline.com> wrote:

**Please do not reply to this email. This mailbox is not monitored.**

JAMES UTLEY


You have been successfully registered for the MA Journeyman Electrician examination.

Please click here to schedule your examination in the PSI System.

Follow the system prompts to schedule your exam.




**Please do not reply to this email. This mailbox is not monitored.**








                 









Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Congratulations, you have reached the end of the internet.



Congratulations, you have reached the end of the internet. It is the last web page.  What is it? Who’s page? It is certainly the last article. Is it the last wedding announcement? The last box score? The last poker chip? Last breath? Could it be your obituary on Facebook or Twitter? When you arrive it doesn’t move. It just fills your vision with a final authority. It has taken you thousands of hours to reach this conclusion— that it is a finite universe. You have searched and navigated through the internet your whole life, seemingly at random. You have been drawn to it, page after page— out of curiosity, nosiness, joy, love and sorrow. Here it is. The journey is over. You see the words, the end. There are no search or navigational buttons— no backwards or forward and no refresh. You are all done. It’s over. Congratulations.