Journal October 13, 1984

Today I’m supposed to go over Karl’s house. Then we’re going to play some tackle football with a few friends from school. But, then again I also made plans with my friend, Pat Tobin. We’re supposed to be jamming today on the drums. Later in the morning, my father then puts a dampening on my plans. Just like some idea out of nowhere, he decides that I have to help clean the cellar out. “But dad, I already told some friends that I’d be playing football with them. They’re counting on me. This is the first time I heard anything about cleaning the cellar.” He doesn’t answer. I end up staying home cleaning. At least I do know that I’m going to this keg party tonight. One of my best friends, Kevin Trull is hosting it and he’s letting me in for free.

The time is about 6:30 PM as I walk down the dark street. I’m slowly trailing off into the distance heading towards the keg party. I’m just walking along and feeling kind of sad. I’m not really in the mood for a wild night. I feel like getting drunk so I’m on my way. Finally, I get to Curtis Compact and behind this particular store there’s deep woods. A lot of the town parties have been held here in the past. After finding my way along the long, winding dark paths I can see the faint glow of a fire burning. Two strangers from Avon are following me because they’ve never been here before. One of them is carrying a case of beer and the other tells me he’s meeting some friends at the party. As we get closer to the fire, I see many people standing around it. It looks like a scene from the movie, “Race with the Devil.” Endless darkness surrounds everything my visions sees except for the bright red-orange flames. And like a scene from one’s own dream experience, people fade in and out, in parts, from view.

As I walk into everybody’s sight I hear my name yelled over the wave of conversation— “Utltleeey!” Then I hear someone yell, “acid man.” I got that name a couple of years ago when I was dropping a lot of acid, well, not so much to deserve the name. If there’s any real local underground in Randolph, all the fuckin juveniles were here tonight. A few of my friends, acquaintances, hockey team mates were there. And the local Randolph girls who go to every Randolph party they can find was there. They were the “townies.” Most of the girls there either had boyfriends or possible boys to scoop at this party. After greeting a few people, I went to this huge tree and stood alone. I silently sipped my cup of beer I got from the keg. I was feeling a bit self conscious and shy. The party was real hip though. As I stood there alone, next to the tree, kids came up to me saying, “what’s uuuuup Jim!” Some patted me on the back and others punched me on the arm in a friendly manner. Mostly everybody there was drunk to the soul or quickly on their way. At times, when certain people came up to me, we had good conversation, often reflecting on past times. When I wasn’t busy talking to anybody, I watched the party. I saw this girl there that I used to fool around with. She was with a boyfriend. My head started to quietly slip into a slight drunkenness. There must have been over 25 people there.

But, my attempt to shatter my senses was abruptly halted. The keg had no more beer in it— shit! I wasn’t the only one pissed. Shouts of disapproval roared from the large crowd. Another keg was supposed to have arrived already but was still not there. The crowd kept getting larger and larger and more impatient as time passed. Finally, 45 minutes later it came. As the person carrying the keg came into view everyone fuckin charged like animals just freed from a zoo. It was impossible to get a cup of beer for awhile. Then I spotted Kevin. I asked him if he could get me a cup seeing it was Kevin’s keg. While everyone else pushed and shoved impatiently, Kevin brings me a huge filled-to-the-rim glass of beer. Then I could relax once more.

I grew bored at standing around the tree. So I moved back and forth around the party and like a ghost, I silently went about unnoticed. I saw Pat Tobin, listening to some girl from out of town. She sounded like some existential philosopher. She kept talking about life in a serious way. “You know, in this present moment of time I exist, we all exist,” she says. “This is the existing moment of our life. Who knows about the future. We might not be alive. That’s why we have to exist now and enjoy life now,” she says. Pat’s just listening to her and laughing. Wow, I have to meet her right now. I’ve got a good buzz. Then my attention on this girl was turned as I heard my name. To my left, in front of me I saw Rich Bartelamia and his good friend, Glen Christian. They didn’t see me and were talking with a couple of girls. “Where’s Utley? I saw him earlier,” Rich said to Glen.

“I don’t know. He was here. I saw him too,” Glen says.

Perfect timing to approach my good friend. I grab him from behind, “Hey what’s up Rich?”

“Hey Jim. I was lookin for ya. I seen you earlier,” he says.

Rich seems to have a good buzz going. I don’t know about Glen though.

After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the two girls says, “Don’t he have weird eyes?”

“Yeah he looks like he’s about to murder someone,” the other girl says.

They’re talking about my eyes. I get this impulse to say something weird so I do. “Yes, I do. And ya know what? I feel like killing you,” I say. I stare at her silently. Then she quickly disappears into the foaming mouth of the party. It’s kind of funny though. Most girls think I have beautiful blue eyes. Maybe she’s talking about the rings under my eyes. I do have a tendency to look like a devil sometimes.

Rich Glen and I talked and laughed awhile. Rich talked about scooping one of those two girls that had been here.

“Are they scoopable?” I ask.

“I don’t know. One of them likes Glen,” he says.

“Well, good luck,” I say and leave.

I again sit by myself and watch everybody drink themselves into heaven. The beer situation is really pissing me off. I can’t find Kevin so I’m stuck. Now I’m really bummed out, this sucks. I start getting depressed and confused. I don’t know why. Those forces and anxieties start running around in my body. There’s no fun in this for me so I think I’ll leave.

I walk on out of there through the paths. I’m alone, my vision is partially distorted. I look upwards into the distant sky. I see the beautiful eternal night; the shining stars, the quiet moon. I just wonder about everything for a moment— my life, achievements, people and family. The feeling of sadness tightens its grip on my soul. Cars whiz by along North Street while drunken teenagers yell from open windows. At times it’s so quiet I can hear my body shake. I can hear my breath whistle songs as the flow of air blows through my teeth. My heart beats in loud rhythms.

I get home at 10:30PM, my time limit on weekends. I silently watch TV for awhile. Then I go upstairs to my room, turn on the radio. Fully dressed, I turn off the light and lie down on my bed. I think that maybe I’ll go collect some cans tomorrow morning in the woods behind Curtis.