Stream-along-consciousness hour. A table and some paper and
a pen. Pretty cool. And the Resident Evil. No keyboard. No slumping over. No
icons. No email. Let’s check again— nope— let’s be sure, still nothing. Email.
Worthless correspondence and an emotionally detached kind of form. A greeting.
An invitation. An M-Peg file. A file teaching to be funnier than before—
forward it on to someone else to judge. Slaves to computers. I sit and try to
remember moments before my introduction into Avi and Mp3 files and email and
programs and internet and games. I bought this computer to write my book. I do
everything else but that on this computer. Funny. Email? Nope. Nothing. No new
messages. Just dead cyberspace where messages are not sent. Delete. Abort. Phew….
Fall, beautiful chilly fall with some scattered Indian
summer days slipping into the moment. My new writing seat, the dark meat, the
pumpkin heat— generalizations, images and thoughts are freed up from deep
beneath the eye. No monitors. No
look-ups. No surfing the files on my hard drive. The porch. The oak trees that
stand naked and empty. A strong wind entangles the branches. It’s not about
what you write sometimes, it’s just that you do. Like taking pictures, not
every photograph is a success— 20 of 24 will be garbage but it’s the act that
gets you where you want to be, that makes you better like polished marble. Like
polished marble of great canyons in Death Valley or the quarries right here in
western Mass.
I don’t know. It slips away, especially when I’m unaware of
it. Be aware and use it to my advantage. Old lessons relearned in moments of realization.
1994 through present, 2000. Whew. What a jump. Six years. I could write a book
about my life from those years but what’s the point other than nostalgia? I
already have a book I’m writing, in the early makings, in mind, in cyberspace—
I don’t even know how to approach that monster now though I still think it’s a
good story and worth developing, worth being told to an audience of strangers—
1994, only yesterday it seems and I was living the party of my life. But
parties end. The lights come on and I have to finish my drink, finish that last
game of pool. And I leave. And now I don’t know what I’ll do the next day.
Next night:
Ahh, the open page. A two month old kitten shoots around the
room like a pinball, deflecting in all directions… tired tonight… fighting
sleep for a little peaceful Jim Beam buzz— listening to tunes and writing, just
like the old days. Saw Bonescrew tonight, a good show— a little off in places
but it was their first public appearance… let it be… I’m really tired and
sapped of any emotional strength and physical too… but to pursue a buzz, the
pursuit that I love. Why? I don’t know… relief, that’s it. Zorro is winding
down now and getting sleepy. I just put him in bed with Robin…
You know, email has killed mail. I don’t write letters
anymore. I used to write them all the time. I still have two friends who live
far away— Anna and Jamie. I email Anna now. Jamie’s physical address changes
fast and he doesn’t have a computer to email. I’m still faster at hand writing
than I am typing… maybe letter today… children verbalizing, quite simple and
quite amazing--
ah, yes… a little free form. Impossible to do on a computer… is there a way to escape the computer? Have weened it down quite a bit but I’m still slave to videos, music and email. Maybe get a second desk for the writing room. No more CD’s, just video— but not all at once, make a video when it’s time, write. Do you remember what it’s like to come home, looking forward to sitting down to write? No? Right, I don’t.
ah, yes… a little free form. Impossible to do on a computer… is there a way to escape the computer? Have weened it down quite a bit but I’m still slave to videos, music and email. Maybe get a second desk for the writing room. No more CD’s, just video— but not all at once, make a video when it’s time, write. Do you remember what it’s like to come home, looking forward to sitting down to write? No? Right, I don’t.
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