I may have posted this here on my blog once before already. I don't remember everything I post here anyway. This is from the Facebook memories, On this day thing: May 31, 2012 11:56 am. So I think I posted this, that day, close to noon and probably drinking Vodka after coming off my overnight security shift. Looking back I'm surprised I published such a private and emotional thought-- by then the innocent playful days of Facebook were over, for me anyway. I was a roller-coaster of emotions so maybe I'm not surprised.

"She told me once, it was white light, in her heart. What I didn't say to her was that, I was colored blind and felt the same way but it was music too I heard, soft and romantic and the sound of seashells and very warm."

Found some more journals and pictures and stuff but with little time to get shit together... so much I want to do on a personal level but I just can't with so much going on, so.... once the spring baseball season is over some time should free up.

I stare at the page, the bright light of the monitor and get nothing.

Hello

Been a while since I wrote anything of substance on here. Life has been clawing away at me with my uncle's cancer, my dads finances and the sale of our family home since 1981. Aside from coaching my son's baseball teams and reintroduction into photography ( I bought a $1200.00 camera and $700.00 zoom lens as a show of my re-dedication to the craft) I have had little time to write. I still have much journal transcribing to do but I also want to go through Fat Habits one more time with a fresh perspective, change some things and try the publication circuit again.

That said, Robin asked me, would I do it over again, have kids. It was a thoughtful question. First off, pre-kids, life was great. We partied with friends. We went on road trips. We slept late. Bills were at a minimum. Would I have kids again? I look at Facebook and I see some friends who don't have kids, traveling to different countries twice a year and some friends with kids who inherited a ton of money from dead uncles or aunts and buy cabins and rental properties and sure I cant help but feel a pang of jealousy.

I love my kids and wouldn't trade them away for any glory or road trip. Robin asked if I had any regrets about how things turned out. I thought for a good long two minutes.  I said, yes I do. My only regret was that after we were married in 2001 I didn't step up my game. At that point, I had done everything a single guy could do. I had partied hard. Got laid. Traveled. I was a pseudo rock star at times. There are things I did that I never recorded in journals, lost now in the haze of time. I had done head scratching things to cement my status in the pantheon of crazy. By the time we married I should have just said to myself, fuck it-- let's get serious. But no, I continued to party with friends and work mediocre jobs. In 2004, me Robin and Rich went on a road trip in my red Blazer out west to Bryce Canyon, Arches National Park and Zion National Park and at the time, not realizing that it would be our last significant road trip to date because shortly after we returned, Robin was pregnant with Christopher who was born in August 2005. It was around then I decided, for the good of my new born, I had to better my life and I decided to become an electrical apprentice.

Okay so this has gotten too long winded. So yeah, my only regret is that from 2000 to 2005, instead of continuing on with a careless carefree life, I wish I had gone back to school, something anything to advance any sort of career. I didn't start electrical school until 2005. Not that I would be rich or anything but maybe I would have a better financial head start for my two boys. That's all I care about these days. My prime days are gone. For the most part I live for them now. Good night, Mr Blog (I need a new name for blog... stay tuned haha).

and on a side note, growing up, money never meant anything to me. Life experience was what I craved. Having kids in the fold, well that made me think about money and now that I have it, it's still not enough! Oh the irony haha.

Of course I would do it again and have Christopher and Mathew. Though there are many things along the way I would have done differently, having my two beautriful babies is not one of them.

lost peice of article about papa and grammy

I think instead of using FB as a means to save my pics online, I think in the near future I should open another blog of just photographs. I feel bad. I post all these pics for other people and I start feeling trapped into Facebook. I like having an out!

My dad: Lion Hunter

Dad and me

                                                       me n dad