A holiday thought

I wrote this last year and posted it on Facebook

The holiday season tip-toes toward you-- reddish leafy nights and trick or treaters in costumes with candy bags-- fog creeps across children's shoes and demonic cackles and ghostly boos by screen doors and before the candy is even gone, Thanksgiving stands before you: fat basted turkeys, football games and eggnog-- families stroll the walkway, passed pockets of snowdrift that surround the sunken black toothed pumpkin named Bob but, inside the warmly lit living-room you eat, linger, and dream-- strung out on the couch thoughtless and satiated and when you leave, Christmas advertisements fly like Kamikaze's and Christmas classics inundate the airwaves; to the attic you bound with your pilgrim hats and turkey mats and down, one stepping your boxes of red, green and white ornaments and lights into living-rooms and windows, soon the sweet scent of pine and the crinkle of wrapping paper fill the air and the joy is immense and fleeting as the countdown begins, the Times Square ball, marking the passage of time and it drops. You wake in the fatigued hangover of the new year and the holidays have slipped away. You will then spiral along in the cold dark abyss of winter, waiting profoundly for spring. 

very sad tonight for reasons I'd rather keep to myself. that is all

Another dream

I had this dream two days ago and kept forgetting to write it down until now: 

I'm standing in what seems like a downtown district, in front of a dilapidated high rise that looks like it had survived an earthquake-- leaning, broken, bent awkwardly and some charring. I asked JT, my old security boss where I worked, in a high rise, if it was a secure location. He promised it was very safe. As I took one last look at the roof line, it started to fall and I yelled "run!" And Rich and Dano and me run. Then I remembered my mother was in the area-- I look back and don't see her, just the building collapsing fast. I assume she got away. After it crashed and the dust settled, my dad showed up with Uncle Bob. I asked dad how mom was and he paused then said, "her middle age will never be the same again." I asked what he meant? He said it was over and I asked what he meant? I asked if she was dead. He nodded yes with a tear in his red eye. I heard Bobby talking about it but I couldn’t see him. I felt terrible. I should have went back and got her out of there. I feel like I could have saved her but didn't even try.

Had this dream last night and remembered it vividly as I woke. As the day wore on it faded pretty fast until sometime after lunch, about 1:00 it came back to me so I wrote it down on a piece of paper with big fat work pencil: I think I'm with a child, perhaps Christopher or Mathew and shopping in a small store-- book store or convenient store when I hear a man tell the clerk that he's a novelist. I'm skeptical. He's got a little Jacques Cousteau mustache and wears a plaid blazer and one of those 1920 style hats. I end up talking to him and he gives me his information so I can check him out.

I think I'm going to change the present tense narrative to past present. The present tense may be better suited for a short story. Besides it doesn't allow for any reflection. Also I'm still torn on who tells the story, first person or omnipotent point of view.

I think I have a good vision as to where Fat Habits has to go now and how it has to be developed and fleshed out and cut up. Got all my chapters broke down and am beginning the slicing process and lets bring it on

So I've been reading John Gardner's book called the Art of Fiction, a book I read back in my college days. However back then I was kind of stuck between poetry and fiction and kind of dismissed the book. Now, a hundred years later, it is showing me just how bad and disconnected Fat Habits is and now I am determined to follow some of his advice and rework it into a strong fictitious piece! Summer ball over soon and will have a month before hockey starts...

 On a different note, I've been looking into getting a job through a real electric company to get vacation and stuff and out of the blue, Skilled Trades, the temp company I've been working with since about 2015 gave me $1.15 raise which will bring me to 29.15 and I'm pretty sure it wont be matched so I'm in a dilemma there.... and I'm only a first year journeyman...anyway just thoughts... always thoughts

Twenty something years ago I was wild, care-free and full of adventure; now, I am simply, Dad.

Been so busy with kids and photography and just life. I'm real excited about the changes I'm going to be making in Fat Habits. Been going through it, chapter by chapter, taking notes about each and then after I'm through with it, I'm going to slash the crap out of it. I've finally seen the light.

I've had a realization of sorts with Fat Habits and am proceeding to down size it greatly. I like the writing but it it needs sharper focus.

One of the changes was changing Valerie Whitten's name to Cassidy Swift. Much better name and sounds more like her character. Today I realized that the whole Cassidy Swift sections, Maine, Grammy and such really has nothing to do with the actual story. It was just me reaching and trying to create more where there didn't need to be so I'm cutting it. I think I'm going to cut much of the road trip across country too. I'm going back to the original beginning where Trent is sitting on top of Blue Hills alone and he realizes he needs to make a change and that his life has gotten way out of control. It makes the reader think, ok, why? So, after that realization, I will begin story from high school when he goes on his first road trip and falls in love with the road and then explore his psychological make up-- and the  friction he feels mentally as he tries to come to terms with the fact he thinks he's in love with this girl he's been dating, who has lied and cheated on him and to getting back on track and just taking off on the road to live in Hawaii with his best friend Luke, another important character that needs more analysis. 

little boy blue that dude from the rainbow room... ok dumb joke. its late and im tired . just finished watching the newest (is that a word?) resident evil movie. LOve life! Embrace it!

ok baseball season winding down... going to take a break from sports photography... dad's new room/addition coming up so I will be on that project and then... team DVD's for Matt and Chris' baseball teams and tonight started a final edit on Fat Habits.... not a rewrite so to speak as Im happy with language but I want to rearrange the pacing and create solid chapters

I may have posted this here on my blog once before already. I don't remember everything I post here anyway. This is from the Facebook memories, On this day thing: May 31, 2012 11:56 am. So I think I posted this, that day, close to noon and probably drinking Vodka after coming off my overnight security shift. Looking back I'm surprised I published such a private and emotional thought-- by then the innocent playful days of Facebook were over, for me anyway. I was a roller-coaster of emotions so maybe I'm not surprised.

"She told me once, it was white light, in her heart. What I didn't say to her was that, I was colored blind and felt the same way but it was music too I heard, soft and romantic and the sound of seashells and very warm."

Found some more journals and pictures and stuff but with little time to get shit together... so much I want to do on a personal level but I just can't with so much going on, so.... once the spring baseball season is over some time should free up.

I stare at the page, the bright light of the monitor and get nothing.

Hello

Been a while since I wrote anything of substance on here. Life has been clawing away at me with my uncle's cancer, my dads finances and the sale of our family home since 1981. Aside from coaching my son's baseball teams and reintroduction into photography ( I bought a $1200.00 camera and $700.00 zoom lens as a show of my re-dedication to the craft) I have had little time to write. I still have much journal transcribing to do but I also want to go through Fat Habits one more time with a fresh perspective, change some things and try the publication circuit again.

That said, Robin asked me, would I do it over again, have kids. It was a thoughtful question. First off, pre-kids, life was great. We partied with friends. We went on road trips. We slept late. Bills were at a minimum. Would I have kids again? I look at Facebook and I see some friends who don't have kids, traveling to different countries twice a year and some friends with kids who inherited a ton of money from dead uncles or aunts and buy cabins and rental properties and sure I cant help but feel a pang of jealousy.

I love my kids and wouldn't trade them away for any glory or road trip. Robin asked if I had any regrets about how things turned out. I thought for a good long two minutes.  I said, yes I do. My only regret was that after we were married in 2001 I didn't step up my game. At that point, I had done everything a single guy could do. I had partied hard. Got laid. Traveled. I was a pseudo rock star at times. There are things I did that I never recorded in journals, lost now in the haze of time. I had done head scratching things to cement my status in the pantheon of crazy. By the time we married I should have just said to myself, fuck it-- let's get serious. But no, I continued to party with friends and work mediocre jobs. In 2004, me Robin and Rich went on a road trip in my red Blazer out west to Bryce Canyon, Arches National Park and Zion National Park and at the time, not realizing that it would be our last significant road trip to date because shortly after we returned, Robin was pregnant with Christopher who was born in August 2005. It was around then I decided, for the good of my new born, I had to better my life and I decided to become an electrical apprentice.

Okay so this has gotten too long winded. So yeah, my only regret is that from 2000 to 2005, instead of continuing on with a careless carefree life, I wish I had gone back to school, something anything to advance any sort of career. I didn't start electrical school until 2005. Not that I would be rich or anything but maybe I would have a better financial head start for my two boys. That's all I care about these days. My prime days are gone. For the most part I live for them now. Good night, Mr Blog (I need a new name for blog... stay tuned haha).

and on a side note, growing up, money never meant anything to me. Life experience was what I craved. Having kids in the fold, well that made me think about money and now that I have it, it's still not enough! Oh the irony haha.

Of course I would do it again and have Christopher and Mathew. Though there are many things along the way I would have done differently, having my two beautriful babies is not one of them.

lost peice of article about papa and grammy

I think instead of using FB as a means to save my pics online, I think in the near future I should open another blog of just photographs. I feel bad. I post all these pics for other people and I start feeling trapped into Facebook. I like having an out!

My dad: Lion Hunter

Dad and me

                                                       me n dad

Queer Bitch Outakes

For Dano's bachelor party, back in 2002, we planned a week-end camping trip in the woods of Vermont. Of course it didn't have much appeal, I suppose, as a bachelor party to other guys on the invite list-- camping, long drive, no girls or strippers but we knew Dano would love it. So it was a small party-- myself, Dano, Rich and Rick. Bergie showed up on the second day. I'm pretty sure that was it. I do have pictures kicking around somewhere on a hard drive. Of course back then I was still making my skits with the guys (pre youtube) and we had an idea to spoof the relatively new flick, Blair Witch Project. During one of our hikes up a mountain we made what I thought was a really funny Queer Bitch Project skit. It got edited and finalized. I took the extra footage, bloopers if you will and put them together for a laugh. Then one day, the actual skit went missing. I figured it would just pop up sometime and it never did. This truly sucks. But at least the outtakes remained.